Major Major Major Major

SOME MEN ARE BORN #MEDIOCRE. SOME MEN ACHIEVE #MEDIOCRITY. AND SOME MEN HAVE MEDIOCRITY #THRUSTUPONTHEM

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Thoughts on owning a car.

I own a car now. I never really wanted to own a car but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do as I think the saying goes. I always preferred biking because bikes are like little cars where you get to be an asshole. Have you seen that Joseph Gordon-Levitt movie Premium Rush? It was… okay.

I don’t understand why cars are this big American cultural thing. Not to knock cars, if you like cars go ahead, I just don’t see the point. A car is basically a room with wheels. If I told you to sit still in a room for six hours staring straight forward and at the end you’d be in St. Louis, would you? Of course not. Probably mostly because you don’t want to be in St. Louis, but also because sitting still for that long and staring straight forward is deeply unpleasant.

I guess what I’m getting at is, how did Joseph Gordon-Levitt become such an ubiquitous star? Action star, even? I couldn’t take The Dark Knight Rises seriously at all because I was expected to believe Mr. Gordon-Levitt was a badass police officer. (The thing where terrorists took an American city captive for an entire year made perfect sense though.)

I think to people in my dad’s generation, cars represented a certain type of freedom, you know? But cars take a lot of effort to maintain. Doesn’t seem worth it. Mine has a flat tire. Fuck that noise. I want to go back to the city. Ride public transportation and forget my problems. Seriously, five years ago he was the loser romantic in a mediocre romantic comedy that was apparently “smart” and “quirky” because it referenced the Smiths twice and cast Zooey Deschanel. He was the poor man’s Woody Allen. And now he’s toting around futuristic guns stopping mob bosses from existing. He’s going to be in the Sin City sequel next year. We need to stop him, because if we don’t, he’s going to become the next DiCaprio, the next Clooney. It’s just one prestige film away. This cannot happen. Boycott Joseph-Gordon Levitt. Do it now, while we still can.

Cars are dumb.

#StopGordonLevitt #500DaysOfBummer #G.I.No #3rdRockFromTheDumb #PremiumLush

Filed under StopGordonLevitt 500DaysOfBummer G.I.No 3rdRockFromTheDumb PremiumLush 2000 Subaru Outback for sale lightly used

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My idea for a television show.

I want to make a sitcom where four friends and Capitalism as an economic system share an apartment in the big city. The four friends are pretty normal but Capitalism is the breakout character, like Barney in How I Met Your Mother or the Fonz in Happy Days. He’s always fucking the others over or making them argue about petty things that don’t matter. They all want to kick him out but he keeps life interesting and pays most of the rent.

Whenever he does something particularly ridiculous, like stealing one of the others’ girlfriends or paying Vietnamese children two dollars a day to make shirts, everyone throws their hands up in disbelief and says the show’s catchphrase, “That’s Capitalism!” Then they laugh and get back to whatever they were doing before.

Filed under tv show capitalism

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g----------g-deactivated2013110 asked: i love your url

Are you Major Major Major Major too? My eyeballs are telling me that you are and they don’t usually lie except this one time. Oh boy. Maybe we can go up to strangers and you’ll say your name is Major Major Major Major and I’ll say my name is Major Major Major Major and they won’t have read Catch-22 so they won’t get the reference. It will be ever so much fun.

I used to like the TV show Dexter but when I got older my mom told me that grown men shouldn’t play with children’s toys. I guess I get that.

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avantegarda asked: Bro bro bro bro bro. Bro?

I used to, but since the mistake they’ve told me I have to stay in the bathroom and not ask questions. It’s been quite an adventure.

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A message from the real Bucky Badger.

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I know there’s been a lot of debate lately about the “Capital Bucky,” an imposter who has been seen at the Wisconsin Capitol supporting the anti-Walker solidarity movement. The University of Wisconsin-Madison released a statement recently stating that this is not the me, the real Bucky, and that I don’t take sides on controversial issues. They further said that Bucky must remain apolitical to remain a rallying point for all Wisconsinites.

UW is right to point out the phony, but I feel they are equally misled. I do in fact have political beliefs and I think it’s about time that everyone stopped pretending otherwise:

I am an anarcho-primitivist and I support the complete overthrow of civilization.

While my political influences include John Zerzan and Noam Chomsky, my favorite theorist is Theodore Kaczynski, the philosopher and author better known to the American public as the Unabomber. Like Mr. Kaczynski, I believe that the Industrial Revolution was a disaster for mankind and I support revolution by means necessary. In fact, I believe that Badger games, along with education, careers, and hobbies, constitute “surrogate activities” that are harmful to the human spirit. The Capitol Bucky’s support for worker’s rights is a pitiful attempt by crypto-leftists to alter the fundamental evil that is modern society.

I hope this clears things up, and doesn’t ruin your ability to enjoy my antics during football games. After all, I’m hardly the only Big Ten mascot to hold unconventional political beliefs. Goldie Gopher has voted for the Socialist Workers Party in four of the last six elections and Brutus Buckeye seems to be some kind of tree.

I would, however, like to emphasize that a revolution is coming and when it does scientists, inventors, and intellectuals will be the first against the wall. And they will pay in blood for their crimes against individualism and human dignity.

On Wisconsin!

Filed under big ten badgers bucky politics

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How to make a successful movie without really trying.

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Guys, I figured out the formula to making a major Hollywood blockbuster.

  1. Pick the name of a classic children’s/family franchise. This will be the first phrase in the title.
  2. For the subtitle, use an ominous/slightly threatening phrase. Can you fit the word “dark” into it? Even better!
  3. Design a frightening poster featuring any and all of the following:
  • An equally ominous tagline
  • The hero or villain, looking serious
  • A crumbling metropolis
  • Absolutely no recognition that the original work was remotely lighthearted and fun
  • NO BRIGHT COLORS GOD DAMN IT

So anyway, I finished this poster and now I’m waiting to hear back from a producer.

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Filed under movies movie poster the magic school bus

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2016.

  • The presidential election will be between Hillary Clinton and Chris Christie
  • Christie will choose Scott Walker or Marco Rubio as his running mate to appeal to the conservative base
  • Hillary will pick a young minority to even out her old whiteness, perhaps then-Senator Cory Booker
  • The fact that two major candidates are from New Jersey will inspire several dozen obnoxious articles about the their supposed rivalry
  • The Republican campaign will consist of conservative leaders shouting “Benghazi” through a megaphone while ominous music plays in the background
  • Liberals will make fun of Christie’s weight but become angry when anyone makes a joke about Hillary’s gender or age
  • The media will repeat the phrase “nation’s highest glass ceiling” exactly 962384342 times
  • By September cable news channels will begin to meta-criticize themselves for focusing too much on gender and Jon Stewart will become so angry that his body ignites and his head explodes into brilliant fireworks
  • Walkerubio will be cremated in the vice presidential debate and compared to Sarah Palin, who will have been killed in 2015 in a volcanic eruption off the coast of Fairbanks
  • Everybody will “evolve” on gay marriage. In September Christie will announce he is evolving and in fact evolve into Charmeleon, who still takes a strong anti-gay marriage stance
  • The Huffington Post will treat everyone to slideshows of awkward photos of the Republican candidates, except in 2016 slideshows will be four-dimensional and feature six new colors that scientists just invented
  • Bill Clinton and Joe Biden will engage in an impromptu brawl at a Democratic fundraiser, resulting in a trip to the emergency room and a combined total of thirteen stitches
  • Malia Obama will get kidnapped by Kumari terrorists and Glen Allen Walken will be sworn in as president
  • Aaron Sorkin will leave to create a shitty program about TV news
  • That stupid photo of Bill and Hillary will be the subject of a hundred conservative chain emails
  • Somewhere in the Midwest a blue-collar father of three will thump his chest and shout about how there are too many political commercials

Filed under election politics 2016

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So lately I’ve been working Facebook friends’ statuses into famous images and artwork. It’s kind of a dick move.

So lately I’ve been working Facebook friends’ statuses into famous images and artwork. It’s kind of a dick move.

Filed under facebook design